Screw the Bus

Goddamn I hate buses.

I'm through with the bus. I can't stand it.

I get up in the morning, ready myself. All clean and pristine, the smell of my deodorant just pungent enough to intrigue. Clean shaven and aftershave-en face. Perfect.

Then I walk to hell.

Stand by the road, waiting for one to appear around the bend, with about as much hope as a turkey at thanksgiving that it'll be relatively empty. One comes along. I get in, push through the people standing by the door and swivel on my feet in the middle aisle, looking impatient. God, I look like a jackass. Pay the fare.

Eventually someone gets up right next to me. I look over at the empty seat left over, and mosey over. Then, like those bastard drivers who steal parking spaces, some runt materializes from the depths and quickly deposits him/herself in the seat. You never see them before they separate from the pack. Ya see, they're like a herd of zebras. And much like the lion, you never see the individual for the herd. Just that lions don't try public transport.

So after this ritual repeats many times over, I finally get a seat. Then I promptly get up again to get off the bus. When I finally reach work, I am about as pristine as a wet chicken. This is the kind of thing that drives a straight man to become a metrosexual. He'll get so messed up in the bus, he has to spend hours in the gents room making up for it. Seriously! Why do you think they call it METROsexual? See the connection? It sounds like someone who has sex on the french subway system. Or with it... I'm not sure...

Anyway, back to the bus. On the way home, it'll be a completely different story. I can get a seat. Great. But woe is the person who gets an "aisle seat", so to speak. Many will be the old geezers bumping into you. I'm a regular guy, I'd say. I'm all for some fair maiden placing herself on my lap in the bus, but if you're some 40+ smarmy man, stay the hell away.


But, I have no choice. I'm stuck on these stupid things.

Goddamn I hate buses.