Friday, December 5, 2008

How To Get What You Want This Christmas

People like lists. So here's a list of things to do to get what you want this Christmas.

1) Be good. This goes without saying, but most people ignore it. This can be a fatal mistake. Being good makes people think "Hey, there's a nice guy, I think I shall buy him something this December". Don't be mislead by the "Sugar and spice and everything nice" line. Sugar is not nice, trust me. And the last time I used spices on anyone they sued me for assault.

2) Remind people. Use any medium possible. But be subtle. A bad message would be "Hello All. Christmas is coming up. Last year, I got many warm greetings and good wishes. Now I have enough to last a lifetime. Send cash or goods, you cheap bastards. Merry Christmas!" A better way to convey that message would be to send a gentle reminder that Christmas is approaching, and hint that you might have something for them. "Hi x! The merriest time of the year is afoot! Santa might have some space in his bag for [thing that friend has been eying] this year. *wink" This does not mean that you must deliver on it. If the friend is brash enough to ask, you can merely brush it off with "You still believe in Santa? Ho Ho Ho biarch!" Hopefully this will be AFTER your chosen friend has gifted you something and you are busily unwrapping it.

3) Do not spread the joy to people that some would dislike. So your holiday greeting card should read "May your days be merry and filled with joy! ...Except for Gehan, he's a bitch" (Just kidding buddy, I'm just bitter I have to go through Christmas looking like a douche :D )

4) Go caroling. Sing Christmas songs. "White Christmas" has much use beyond being racist propaganda. It can be used to trick many an old lady into thinking you are a mere 11 year old. And don't be mislead. Old people have huge stockpiles of useful things. If all else fails, you can just take their pills and sell them on the black market. Pressure and Cholesterol pills are pretty expensive. Just make sure to label them "v-i-a-g-r-a".

5) This should only be done if everything else turns out to be worthless. Steal from Santa. How hard could it be? Big fat man, plus, he'll be stuck in your chimney. But wait. If you have a chimney, here in Sri Lanka you're probably some rich twat. So no, wait for Santa to break in through a window. Keep a cricket bat handy.


Gehan said...

i'm a bitch?! this coming from someone who plans on mugging santa :P

but yes, a solid guideline to milk the christmas season.. two thumbs up! :D

Gypsy said...

Hahahaha. I'd do the last one. Just for kicks.


Jerry said...

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Just make sure you hit the right one. I tried last christmas and was so groggy staying up all night that I had attacked my dad.

Lady said...

the last one sounds like a plan alright!:D

Jerry said...

Everyone seems to like that one.

Evil bastards.